


Goat Farm Seizure Case

by the_inkwell_variable



Category: Cuticle Tantei Inaba | Cuticle Detective Inaba
Genre: Crack Fic, F/M, Gen, absolute disaster, can it go wrong? IT DID
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:42:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24476680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_inkwell_variable/pseuds/the_inkwell_variable
Summary: The police have seized Noah's goat farm because she messed up all the documentation, and they have until midnight to fix it!  With Hiroshi and his crew guarding the farmhouse, can Don Valentino get his scientist her secret lab back?
Relationships: gabriella valentino/yuzuki ogata
Kudos: 2





	Goat Farm Seizure Case

"Hiroshi."

The red wolf groaned and rolled his head back in annoyance. "What do you want, Ogi? You were just here yesterday. Are you obsessed with me or something?"

Yuuta appeared behind Ogi. "I'm so sorry, Ogi-san," he smiled in total contrast to the obscenely large kitchen knife clutched in his tiny hand. "But if you're obsessed with Hiroshi-kun, then you're too dangerous to be left alive."

"I'm pretty sure that wouldn't kill him anyway!" Kei wrestled the makeshift dagger out of Yuuta's grasp anyway, just in case. Jesus, how is this guy's grip so strong?! Yuuta flips him onto the floor, but Kei managed to bend his pinkie finger back far enough to force his hand open. Victory! ...for now.

"Calm down, you two. Don't act so childish in front of our client."

You're one to talk! grumbled Kei's thoughts as he struggled to remove the tip of the knife from his cat-hair-covered cardigan and swatted Yuuta's hands away.

"I'm assuming that's why you're here, Ogi-san?" Hiroshi tossed aside his magazine and sat up, gesturing to Yuuta to make some tea. It always amazed Kei to see Hiroshi being professional; it was like he was a totally different man! ...wolf. Wolfman?

"Astute as always, Hiroshi." Ogi sat down on the chair reserved for clients and gracefully accepted the sloshing rice cooker from Yuuta. After taking a sip of steaming tea, the stoic policeman continued, "Our lawyers have studied the documents pertaining to the goat petting zoo - "

"The one we were at last week?" Hiroshi chuckled. "That was a fun day. Weird that there were so many goats dressed up like Don Valentino, though - I guess whoever owns the farm is a huge fan."

"You are, as always, 100% correct, Hiroshi. The farm was actually owned by Noah, the goat's mad genius."

"...well, that explains a lot." Kei's mind swirled as he recalled all the varients of goats - cat goat, squid goat, gelatin goat - and realized that every single one was a chimera. How did she have time to create all those? It was astounding.

"Anyway." Ogi cleared his throat to give the room a chance to quiet down. "Our lawyers have studied the documents and discovered several clerical errors. Enough so that we have seized the property and ejected them from the premises." He paused to sip his tea, his expression unreadable as always. "I need you and your assistants to spend the night at the farm to make sure he doesn't try to take it back - and arrest him if he does."

"Good old fashioned stakeout, huh?" Hiroshi rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "And it's just for one night?"

"That's right."

"I'm not sure - "

"I'll let you shampoo my hair if you catch him."

Hiroshi failed to hide the way his face lit up at those words. "All right, I guess. It's just one night. What's the worst that could happen?

"DON'T TEMPT FATE, HIROSHI-SAN!"

  
\---

  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU LOST THE FARM?!"

NoahNoah buried her face in the Don's cape and wailed incoherently. He impatiently tugged it out of her hands, but it was too late - it was covered in snot bubbles and mascara. He slipped it off and tossed it at her; she pressed it to her face and wailed again. "Lorenzo! What is the meaning of this?:

The man with the burlap sack over his head tugged the tear-stained letter from her hands an scanned it quickly. "Don, it's a letter from the police."

"I know who it's from, tell me what it says!"

Unfazed, Lorenzo's dark eyes flicked across the page. "Da-da-da... incorrect or falsified... past due... seizure of land and all property contained therein. Okay!" He straightened his back and barely strangled the urge to salute. "The goat farm has been seized by the police because Noah has failed to provide the proper documentation!"

The Don frowned, chewing absently on the wood bark his right arm brought him to replace the money he craved. "So... where did they take it?"

"Pardon, my Don?"

He gestured wildly with his sharp little hooves. "The police are a wily bunch, they are. But how can they move a whole goat farm?"

"Idiot!" He squawked as a familiar hand struck his furry head. "They have seized ownership of the goat farm! The goat farm is staying right where it is!"

The Don steepled his hooves with a decisive click. "If the goat farm is where it belongs, then we can steal it back, we can."

This time, it was a bullet smashed into the space between his yellow eyes. "Use what little brain you have, Don! How do you steal an entire goat farm?!"

The Don pointed at the small table, where a map of the region lay spread. "We do it just like this, we do..."

===

"It's so boring," Hiroshi whined, flopping onto the floor. "Why didn't the Don have internet here? Or a game system? Or a freaking book, even!"

Ogata slapped his knee and held his other hand out invitingly. "Come join me on the couch, Hiroshi-kuuuun! I'l scratch under your chin and behind your ears!"

"I'll bite your fingers off." Hisroshi scooted until his head was in Kei's lap and gazed up at him with his strongest puppy dog eyes. "Pet me, Kei-kun!"

Kei absently obliged, so distracted by his phone that he inadvertently missed Hiroshi's contented whimpers and the cold fury of Yuuta's stare. "I can't believe it's been three hours and no sign of Don Valentino. He doesn't usually take this long."

"Whatever." Ogata folded his arms over his chest and sulked the steam-spitting kettle. "Makes this stakeout easy. I had a date tonight, you know? Got a babysitter for Stella and everything. At least the babysitter wasn't a waste.. and it'll get reimbursed since it's a work thing now!"

"Why isn't Stella here with us?" Hiroshi murmured with a groan that made Kei flush with embarrassment. "This would be a great learning experience for her."

"She's still scared of the dark, my poor little floofy baby." Ogata nodded his thanks as Yuuta handed him a steaming cup of tea and stirred it slowly. "I spend so much on nightlights - "

Hiroshi shot upright, his ears swiveling to the windows. "Can you hear that?" The room fell silent; one could have heard a pin drop. Everyone held their breaths as they strained to hear whatever the wolf's enhanced hearing picked up. Turns out it wasn't necessary; a growing chorus of frightened goat bleats rang out in the still night.

Ogata leaped from the chair, tossing the tea aside without a second thought and splashing it dangerously close to Yuuta's bare feet. "Kei, let's go."

"Why me?!"

"Because Hiroshi needs to stay here to guard the house, and Yuuta needs to be close to him to transform him." Ogata checked to make sure his gun was loaded and snapped the chamber closd, his usual goofy cheerfulness replaced with a seriousness that belied his true profession. "Stay behind me. Yuuta, call Ogi-san and let him know we might be ready for him soon."

Kei followed him out the door, his heart pounding in his chest as Ogata was swallowed by the darkness. He swallowed against the desert in his throat and surged onward. All around him were the creepy sounds of the night, somehow echoing in his ears around the screams of terrified goats. When an owl hooted in a nearby tree, his heart leaped out of his throat. Why did I agree to this? I'm off the clock after 6!

I better get hazard pay...

"There!" Kei's head snapped to the sie in time to see a bullet whizz past Ogata's ponytail. He squinted into the gloom, trying to see the face he knew was there. A glint of light on wireframe glasses was all Ogata needed to to respond in kind. "Get down, Kei!" The sixteen-year-old flipped onto his stomach and scrambled to cover his vital bits with his hands before he got inevitably shot. Murdered. Killed in the line of duty. Maybe I'll get a medal for my bravery...

He could barely hear the fight above him in the haze of fear, unable to understand the insults shouted between the assassin and the police officer. When did he curl up into a ball? A kick landed squarely in his backside, and with a shriek, Gabriella went flying. She landed on her side and skidded into the middle of the intersection of two paths, her whole body illuminated by the pathway lantern.

Kei could hear Ogata's jaw hit the floor. "You're...a wolf?"

"What?" Gabriella and Kei chorused together, both confused. Kei risked raising his eyes to the nearly-blind sharpshooter and sucked in a sharp breath. She was wearing a headband with wolf ears on it and one of those floofy wolf tails you could buy at any costume shop. She was dressed as a wolf on a goat farm. What kind of Don-level logic was this?

Ogata was breathless. "Your ears...your tail. You're a Secret Doberman!" Before Kei could warn him, he shoved his pistol back into its holster and threw himself forward to drag her into his arms. "Oh, your hair is so soft!" he squealed, running his fingers through her dual-toned hair. "Hiroshi would love you! Have you met my colleague's former partner, Inaba Hiroshi? He's obsessed with hair!"

"Get - off - me!" Gabriella landed blow after blow on him, but his love of wolves nullified any pain. She finally pressed her gun to his thigh and pulled the trigger; his shock loosened his grip enough for her to wiggle out. She stumbled out of his reach and raised her gun again, aiming square between his eyes. "A pity," she panting, curling her finger around the trigger. "If only you were a few centimeters shorter, you'd make the perfect minion. But no minion, no mercy."

"Wait!" Ogata staggered to his feet, wincing as he gripped his bleeding thigh between crimson fingers. "I pad my shoes!"

Gabriella's aim wavered. "What?"

"I pad my shoes to make myself seem taller, more intimidating." Ogata tried to stand up straight but crumpled to the ground with a strained grunt. "I'm 156 centimeters tall."

"That's...the perfect height." Kei cringed at the incredibly erotic heat scorching her words. Her pistol clattered to the ground as she leaped forward and gathered Ogata into her arms. "My poor little minion! Mommy's so sorry that she shot you! Does it hurt badly, my little pet?"

Kei wanted to vomit, but when Hiroshi's howl echoed across the goat pens and awakened a new wave of goat screams, he gratefully accepted his excuse. He escaped back toward the house, leaving the bizarre couple behind in the uncannily romantic light of the lantern.

  
===

  
"I know you're here, Goat!" Hiroshi growled as he prowled through the large goat enclosure. His eyes glowed red in the murk of night, scanning each and every goat to be absolutely certain it wasn't his prey before moving on. "I can smell you, Don Valentino." His vermillion hair rippled in even the faintest breeze, his ears twitching and swiveling at every sound. "I will find you..."

"Hiroshi!"

He had to resist the urge to spin around at the abrupt holler from his brunette assistant. "Quiet, Kei," he called back as he stretched to sniff a strangely tall, bipedal goat with some kind of weird bag over its head. God, it smelled so...familiar...

"Hiroshi-san! That's Lorenzo!"

Hiroshi jerked back to get a good look at the statuesque goat before him. Lorenzo? No - no, it couldn't be. The fur was so - fake. It was practically carpet! How did he not see that immediately?! Idiot, moron, fool! Never mind the telltale sack covering the head - the hair was the true test of a creature's identity!

"A surprise attack, it is!" Hiroshi yelped and crumpled to the ground as a smaller goat with a glorious handlebar mustache reared back onto its hind legs and gave him a swift kick to the knee. Crap! He couldn't even straighten it now. "Meee-e-e-e-heh-heh-heh! A decisive victory for the Valentino family, it is! Surrender now, wolf - you are completey outnumbered, you are!"

"Yuuta, do something!" Kei yelled, but the blonde was lost in the world of his phone, smiling at something on the bright blue screen. There would be no attracting his attention now.

Hiroshi dug in his pocket for his secret weapon and seized it between his teeth. A brief burst of pain shot like a bullet between his shoulder blades as two beetle wings, complete with chitinous covers, burst from his skin and began to buzz. He rose to hover a few feet from the ground, a triumphant grin splitting his face. "Yeah, but how many of your people can fly?"

"Ack!" The Don scrambled away. "Lorenzo! My right arm! Save me from the vicious wolf!"

"Don!" Lorenzo leaped forward, arms outstretched. "Keep running! I'll catch him for you, my Don!"

Kei could only watch in amazement as they raced around the enclosure. Don sprinted around the length of the fence, with Hiroshi hot on his heels but barely escaping Lorenzo. This was a former police dog and a well-renowned crime family? They acted more like kids playing tag!

He barely heard the warning scrape of tires on gravel before blue-and-red flashing lights blinded him. He threw his arm up to shield his eyes and sputtered as police cars kicked mud (please let it be mud!) into his face. Lorenzo and Don wailed in protest as something hard smashed them to the ground with a loud shunk, but Kei didn't uncover his face until he heard Ogi's smug but exhausted voice triumphantly announce "Don Valentino, you are under arrest."

Hiroshi crawled out from the wreckage of the car door, whining with pain as his body shrank back down to its mostly-human form. "Ogi, what the hell! Did you even open the door, or did you just yeet it off its hinges?!"

"It didn't open fast enough. Stop your whining and do your job." Ogi dragged the Don to his hooves and gave him a rough shove toward the car. "Get in, Don. You're going away for a long, long time."

"WAIT!"

All eyes turned to the house as a tiny girl with bright purple pigtails burst through the door, flourishing a folder in her hand. Her oversized lab coat billowed in the sudden gust of wind, making her look way too dramatic for Kei's taste. "You have no right to arrest any of these people, and I have the proof!"

Ogi snorted. "You may be a brilliant scientist, Noah, but you're no lawyer. Arrest her, Detective Inaba."

Noah waved the folder again. "The seizure notice stated that I had until midnight on Wednesday, May 26th, to supply the correct documents to a law enforcement officer, and it is - " She held up her little pink flip phone, where the time glowed brightly against a blue screen. " - 11:56 PM. I am on time."

Ogi stalked over and snatched the folder from her hands, ignoring her triumphant smirk. He skimmed it quickly, his scowl growing darker with every page. "Impossible. Nobody on your team has any clue regarding legal matters. How - ?"

Before Noah could reply, Yuuta slipped behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist in a friendly squeeze. "Did we do it, Moe-chan? Did we save your farm?"

Ogi threw the documents on the ground and spun around, storming back to the car. "Release them," he snapped at the confused officers as he slid into his now-very-unsafe car. "We have no right to detain them now."

Hiroshi dusted himself off and sprinted toward the car as it roared back to life. "Ogi-saaaaan! Can we get a ride back to town? CAN I STILL WASH YOUR HAIR?? ...well, that is not a nice gesture. How rude!"

**Author's Note:**

> My first ever crack fic! I'm super not good at these, so please be kind lol. I tried to make it read like an actual episode, so it's ALLLL OVER THE PLACE AT BEST


End file.
